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As a horse crazy 12 year old girl I was lucky enough to find and purchase my ideal horse. A beautiful mare that I wanted to compete on and breed from so I could produce my own successful show and endurance horses. After twenty wonderful years together I was faced with my girls failing health. Although I could see the writing on the wall I could not bring myself to make the decision to put her down until I had fought for her and then received confirmation from my vet that euthanasia was the best option. Having lost my sister some years earlier I thought this one event was a defining moment in my life that no other event would compare to, particularly the loss of a horse. Therefore I was shocked by the grief that I felt during the week that I cried through after putting my mare down. Having recently lost my grandmother I was again shocked when I didn’t spend another week crying.
After time I was able to reflect on the loss of these three key beings in my life. My sister was taken way too young and in tragic circumstances that resulted in my profound grief. My grandmother was taken after a very long and full life and she was afforded the opportunity to reach her own acceptance of the inevitable. My mare on the other hand had been my responsibility and companion for twenty years. I guess I felt like a parent having to say goodbye to a young child as my mare was not capable of telling me she was happy to go and she would not have had a realisation that she was at the end. Additionally, I realised that I was not only losing an old friend but that I was losing someone who I had been totally responsible for and therefore possibly felt that her death was my responsibility. Finally, I realised all of the unfulfilled dreams that I had when I was a 12 year old purchasing her, dreams that I still have.
Through the loss of my mare I realised that grief is a process that you have to go through, regardless of who you lose and under what circumstances. Although nothing will compare to the loss of my sister, it was my mare that made me lose the selfish streak that I had held since my sister’s death when I witnessed others grieving. However, the loss of my mare also made me realise how euthanasia, which I am a supporter of, goes against all human instincts (I wanted to punch the vet that I had called to put her down). Despite this realisation that euthanasia does not make the decision easy, I carried guilt around that I had not acted sooner rather than prolonged her suffering to avoid my own loss.
All this said and done, she provided me with three beautiful daughters over the years, one which I have owned since birth. Since losing her I have tracked down her other two daughters, bought one back and am expecting a foal from her next season. Therefore her death sparked me into revisiting my dreams and thankfully I was able to do it before it was too late (ACT, Australia)
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Comments (1)
ruth billany said
at 3:34 pm on Apr 14, 2009
Thank you for sharing this story. I am reduced to tears as my own emotions about loss of a my wise mare (who I also bred from – a ch colt – now I know it was to keep a spark of her with me and why my dream is to breed a dark bay mare in her image). I went on to purchase a number of dark bay mares – they had ch, grey or black colts. I have had a number of horses euthanized since her but none have touched me as she did. I credit her with teaching me about patience.
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